I am struggling. Struggling to let go of my control, struggling to find my way back to my one and only Father, Jehovah. This is all part of my journey but I believe that before I can finish, before I can even begin, I need to find my way back. Sure, I can read all the self help books, I can talk about how I feel He is working in my life. But I know the most important step is the one I am missing, the one I am somehow forgetting.
Part of my difficulties in not being able to completely open up and allow Jehovah to work in my life is that every single man in my life, with the exception of my husband, has left me. I was adopted as a baby. Growing up I felt that loss more days than not. My earthly father took is own life when I was just the tender, oh so sweet, age of three. I was not allowed to grieve that loss. I was told many times that I should not even have the desire to grieve because, being so young, I could not even remember him. And there was one man in particular that hurt the small innocent child inside of me in ways no small child should ever have to go through. He eventually left my life, I was relieved and, actually if I am completely honest, a little sad. I still suffer the pain and consequences of that relationship. And am still trying to figure it all out. But most importantly I am still trying to let all these hurts go, to finally be free of all this pain and to finally find my voice after being silenced in all these situations.
When I think about all these men in my life who either left me or hurt me in some way, it is hard for me to even trust a man let alone let one take complete control of my life. That is why I cannot let go of control. It seems like a vicious circle to me but I know that where I need to start is with my one true Father. To trust that He actually does have my best interests at heart and that He holds a fabulous future in the palm of his hands for me, if I so choose it.
Please pray with me:
Our dearest most loving heavenly Father, Jehovah. Today I come to you on bent knee and humbled heart to ask that you help me. Help me to become so reliant on you that I can't even function without you. Help me in my every move throughout my life to realize I need you there. Help me to let go of all these men in my life that have either hurt me or left me. Help me to see that you are the one and only man and Father that I absolutely need, that my marriage to my wonderful husband is just what it seems, a blessing. Thank you, Jehovah, for being the Father you are and loving me in spite of my unwillingness to let go, my unwillingness to loose all control and give it to You. Thank you, Father for your extreme patience while I figure life out. You are so gracious. In your son, Jesus' name, Amen.
Disclaimer: I have an amazing Husband that I truly believe is a blessing from God. He has stood by me in all that I struggle with. His kindness and patience is something I strive for in my life. I love him with all my heart for being the one man who has never left me.
I mentioned above that part of my quest for healing from all this pain and finding my way back to Jehovah is to find my voice. I have teamed up with some amazing women for the book launch of #WhenAWomanFindsHerVoice written by an equally amazing woman Jo Ann Fore. We will be doing a link-up every Wednesday for the month prior to her book release on the 8th of October. Please join us by clicking on the picture below to follow all these amazing women on their blogs and hear their stories.
Have a blessed Day!