Meet Me On The Street

If you meet me on the street: I won't look you in the eye. If you try and say hi, I will mumble something and walk away. You see, from a very young age I have detested community or connection of any type. This type of connection within community is harmful and hurtful. I have learned, through various hurts, pains and trials, that you can't trust community.

Yet I always longed for the connection that community brings. This was all very confusing to me.  To crave the very thing that hurt me?

What I now realize, what I was missing was the true deep connection that can be found through a Christ centered community. I now realize that. I get it. Through some very strong prayers and Jehovah leading me to places I didn't even know existed, I am finding a community of beautiful women who love and support each other no matter what. I know, without a doubt, nothing can replace the joy and peace that can come from live conversations with women of like minds, but for now, I have found a great on-line community where I am safe to voice my opinions and open up my heart without fear of being personally ridiculed and judged. And eventually I may be able to, lift up my face and meet you eye to eye.

Please follow these women by clicking the picture below to read the link-up and how we all have been shaped and molded by our experiences with community, whether good or bad.

Have a blessed day!

Why Have Masks Become So Important In Our Everyday Lives

"Masks?", you say. "What, are we going to a ball, are we preparing for Halloween?"

No, I am talking about the masks we women wear in our everyday lives.

The masks we wear when we attend a church service.  We may silently say, "Oh dear, please don't let someone see I am not perfect, that I yelled at my daughter because she wasn't on my time line this morning to get out the door." or "Please don't let someone see that I am truly hurting on the inside, I just want to attend service and go home so I can "wallow" in my misery."

The masks we wear when we attend a family gathering. We may silently say, "Please, oh please, don't let me say something that will cause an argument or that will cause someone else to hurt, let me keep my silence up for the sake of supposed peace." or "Let's not talk about what happened all those years ago, no need to bring all that hurt and pain up to the surface, plus we don't want littles to over-hear and start asking questions, it is best to keep them in the dark."

The masks we wear when we attend a school function or parent teacher conference.  We may silently say, "I need to make sure I wear the right clothes, I don't want the other parents to see how much we are struggling financially." or "I need to make sure that I speak the right way to the teacher, I don't want her thinking I am less than, I don't want her knowing that I don't have any education beyond High School."

Or many other masks you can think of.  In reality, we wear masks all the time and for every situation that makes us uncomfortable.

You see, all these masks hide what we truly think and feel on the inside.  Wearing these masks may allow us to get through something we find difficult but in the end, these masks make us feel even worse.  We allow our minds to believe these lies we tell ourselves that we need to mask who we really are.

I know, I have believed, still believe these masks are necessary to survive everyday life.

But my outlook is starting to change.  In my quest to find my voice, I have learned that it is necessary to take down those masks.  We need to show our true selves.  We need to allow Jehovah to shine through those cracks in our masks and allow Him to crash completely through. A section in Jo Ann Fore's book When A Woman Finds Her Voice talks about the masks we wear and why.  It helped me realize that I wear masks everyday and in every situation.  Whether it be for self-preservation or to hide my true self because I feel inferior.  I am finding that what we are hiding is the very thing Jehovah wants us show.  What He wants the world to know about us.  The true, deep down, scared and hurt women we are.  So as to allow Him to shine through us so that others can see His Glory.

Please click on the picture above to read Jo Ann Fore's blog post about masks and at the bottom of her post follow all the other amazing women as they tell their stories about the masks they wear and why.

Today I challenge you to let Jehovah crash through the masks you wear and have a blessed day!

Let Me See "Beneath Your Beautiful" ~ Masks

To start off this post as you follow along with my heart journey, I am going to share a shortened version the the song "Beneath Your Beautiful" performed by Labrinth and featuring Emeli Sandé:

...
You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it
But i'm gonna try
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your perfect
Take it off now girl, take it off now girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight
...
You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it
But i'm gonna try
Would you let me, see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me, see beneath your perfect
Take it off now boy, take it off now boy
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?
...
I just wanna know
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your perfect
Take it off now boy, take it off now girl
Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?
...

Songwriters ~ Sande, Emeli / Mckenzie, Timothy / Posner, Mike

In elementary I learned that being beautiful was wearing the right clothes (I was always teased because my mom didn't have the money to spend on the name brand clothing) or have the right look (to make it easier on my mom, she cut my hair short, so, that made me look like a boy or if it was a styled cut she didn't have time to help me style it).  

Finally, When I could afford it myself, I bought into the whole charade when I was in High School:  

I thought if I got a perm and try to make my hair nicer, maybe people would like me better. 

I thought if I wear makeup and make my face look nicer, maybe people would like me better.  

I thought if I buy clothes that are in style (we still could not afford name brand clothing but I found several places in town I could shop that had cheaper versions of name brands), maybe people would like me better. 

After I was married, I completely stopped caring what I looked like. I sometimes (it is embarrassing to admit) even didn't take a shower. Falling into a depression that took years for me to realize and come out of, I didn't take care of myself.  

After a move to a town near my home town, I was approached by a local woman who sold make-up. I again, bought into the "you have to wear make-up to be beautiful" lie. I bought all the make-up I could and started selling make-up too. Still in my depression (and not realizing it), the pressure to sell and promote my new business made me feel even worse about myself. I eventually left the business but continued to buy product from her (and still do today).  Disclaimer: I am not saying that the direct sales make-up business isn't a great one. I know some amazingly wonderful ladies who are still involved in the business and thrive in it. It just wasn't for me and my outlook on life at the time.

Still through it all, I truly believed that in order to feel well on the inside, you had to look well on the outside. What I didn't realize then, that I do now, is that for some women, that is a mask. I was trying to mask how I felt on the inside with how I looked on the outside. This kind of mask is what I call a complete mask, a masking of the soul. I was masking, very unsuccessfully, all the hurt and pain I have inside. 

And yet again, what I was missing from all that, was Jehovah, my one true Father. Over time, I have learned to wear my hurt proudly. To not "make-up" myself to mask all that hurt. To let others see I am the same on the inside as I am on the outside. To not care what others think, because what matters most is how God sees me and how I feel about myself. When I started letting all that go, became the point when I truly felt I am beautiful. I am at the point in my life where I can "take off my mask," show my true self and start to allow Jehovah to shine through me. And let me tell you, it feels GREAT!

"We intend to hide our shortcomings, and the fear inside our hearts, but instead, we hide our beauty, our true selves." ~ Jo Ann Fore

Please click the picture above to read other beautiful women's stories about masks and why we wear them. Watch what happens When A Woman Finds Her Voice.

I challenge you to take off your masks, let the world see beneath your beautiful and have a blessed day!

I Am Struggling

I am struggling. Struggling to let go of my control, struggling to find my way back to my one and only Father, Jehovah. This is all part of my journey but I believe that before I can finish, before I can even begin, I need to find my way back. Sure, I can read all the self help books, I can talk about how I feel He is working in my life. But I know the most important step is the one I am missing, the one I am somehow forgetting.

Part of my difficulties in not being able to completely open up and allow Jehovah to work in my life is that every single man in my life, with the exception of my husband, has left me. I was adopted as a baby. Growing up I felt that loss more days than not. My earthly father took is own life when I was just the tender, oh so sweet, age of three. I was not allowed to grieve that loss. I was told many times that I should not even have the desire to grieve because, being so young, I could not even remember him. And there was one man in particular that hurt the small innocent child inside of me in ways no small child should ever have to go through. He eventually left my life, I was relieved and, actually if I am completely honest, a little sad. I still suffer the pain and consequences of that relationship. And am still trying to figure it all out. But most importantly I am still trying to let all these hurts go, to finally be free of all this pain and to finally find my voice after being silenced in all these situations.

When I think about all these men in my life who either left me or hurt me in some way, it is hard for me to even trust a man let alone let one take complete control of my life. That is why I cannot let go of control. It seems like a vicious circle to me but I know that where I need to start is with my one true Father. To trust that He actually does have my best interests at heart and that He holds a fabulous future in the palm of his hands for me, if I so choose it.

Please pray with me:

Our dearest most loving heavenly Father, Jehovah. Today I come to you on bent knee and humbled heart to ask that you help me. Help me to become so reliant on you that I can't even function without you. Help me in my every move throughout my life to realize I need you there. Help me to let go of all these men in my life that have either hurt me or left me. Help me to see that you are the one and only man and Father that I absolutely need, that my marriage to my wonderful husband is just what it seems, a blessing. Thank you, Jehovah, for being the Father you are and loving me in spite of my unwillingness to let go, my unwillingness to loose all control and give it to You. Thank you, Father for your extreme patience while I figure life out. You are so gracious. In your son, Jesus' name, Amen.

Disclaimer: I have an amazing Husband that I truly believe is a blessing from God. He has stood by me in all that I struggle with. His kindness and patience is something I strive for in my life. I love him with all my heart for being the one man who has never left me.

I mentioned above that part of my quest for healing from all this pain and finding my way back to Jehovah is to find my voice.  I have teamed up with some amazing women for the book launch of #WhenAWomanFindsHerVoice written by an equally amazing woman Jo Ann Fore.  We will be doing a link-up every Wednesday for the month prior to her book release on the 8th of October. Please join us by clicking on the picture below to follow all these amazing women on their blogs and hear their stories.

Have a blessed Day!

First Stop - Find My Voice

As I start on my new journey, my first stop is to find my voice.  The lovely Jo Ann Fore has written a book called When A Woman Finds Her Voice.  She has so graciously invited me to read the book before it releases in October and be on her wonderful Launch Team.  

The reason this book is so important to the first stop on my journey is because I truly believe that to finally heal and learn how to deal with all the hurts, pains and situations that cause us to take a step back, that we encounter every day, you have to first find your voice.

In order for me to find my voice, I need help.  I need help from others like me, I need help from my family, I need help from Jesus, I need help from the Holy Spirit and, the most important, I need help from Jehovah, my forever Father.  Remember in my first blog post when I talked about how I would explain "all this and more" later?  Well, Jehovah, my forever Father, will be one of those situations explained later on and another stop on my journey.

I believe Jo Ann Fore's story and the stories of countless other brave women she shares with us in her book, whom have found their voices, will help me, will help me find my voice, will help me use my voice for Jehovah, will help me heal to the point of no longer being affected by my past.

The offer to be on the Launch Team for When a Woman Finds Her Voice came at just the right moment in my life.  Two days after I went through a really trying time, I received the email inviting me to participate in this amazing Launch Team.  That email will change my life, already has.

Please join me and these other beautiful women (by clicking the "Find Your Voice, Make a Difference" picture below) who are either finding their voices or using their voices for the sake of others.  We are all at different stages in this process and I believe we all have something to offer countless others who are in the exact same spot we are.

Have a blessed day!

Welcome to my journey.  I am so happy to be here, sharing with you all.  This is my first post, so bear with me as I learn how to navigate this wonderful world of blogging.

In this first post, I would like to give each of you a little bit of personal background.  I am from a small town up north, nestled up nice and close to some big beautiful mountains.  I love being so close to nature, every time I step out my front door I am met with God's amazing creation and I feel so blessed.  I am married to an amazing hardworking man of God and together we have been blessed with wonderful little girl.  Our lives are so busy, we barely slow down long enough to eat dinner together.  But we have an amazing little family that I love more and more each day.

I would also like to give each of you a little bit of my religion background.  I was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church, grew up in the Wesleyan church and have been, since leaving home, looking for, searching for the right and true religion.  I sense that God (whom, from now on I will call Jehovah or YHWH, I have learned on my journey thus far that is His name and He wants us to call Him that) is leading me to the answers to my questions.  I do not believe that I will learn all the answers to my many questions right now, and maybe I never will, it will only happen in His time and what He thinks I should know.  All this and more will be discussed later.

Please know that I am praying for each and everyone of you who visits me here.  If you would like me to pray for something specific, please leave me a comment.  May God be with you on whatever step, path or quest you are on.  

I am so excited to be on this journey Jehovah has me on right now and I thank you for joining me along the way. If you would like email updates on my journey, please provide your email below.

Have a blessed day!