Have I forgiven the one person who hurt me most? My abuser, my molester.
I saw the obituary about three years ago. I just sat there, shocked, confused, angry, hurt and sad. Oh my, all those emotions rolled into one. I couldn't think. So, I sent a text off to my best friend. Thinking maybe she would know, would help me handle all that was going through my mind. She replied, call me. So, I did. And she asked me the one question I could not answer nor even ask myself. "Have you forgiven him?"
Well now, that through me for a total and complete loop. How do I forgive someone who abused the father/daughter-like relationship we had? How do I forgive someone who took all that innocence that a young little girl is supposed to have? How do I forgive someone who took the freedom of a happy childhood away? How do I forgive someone who taught this young girl to silence her voice, that her voice would not be believed if she used it? How do I forgive someone for doing something I don't even fully remember them doing?
I knew at that moment, even though he was no longer around (I suspect he died from alcohol abuse, although I have never been told nor do I really care, all I care about at this point is that he is no longer able to hurt little impressionable girls.) that the most important step to me being able to form some sense of what happened all those years ago is that I needed to forgive him for what he did to me.
Have I forgiven him, even after all these years of thinking I have? I still don't know for sure. I do pray about it. I do ask Jehovah to help me let go. However when I think of that little girl, that little girl I so want to protect now but I know I can't, and all the pain, confusion, hurt, and loneliness she had, I'm not sure.
Please pray with me?
My Dearest Loving Father, Jehovah,
Today I come to you to ask that you help me search my heart, help me to completely and fully forgive this man. I know that this, this one thing I need to do before I can fully live free from this hard time, this silencing of my voice. But I now realize I need your total and complete help. Please help me to lean on you when this forgiveness gets hard, when I have all those feelings come back up. I pray Jehovah that you help me to find my voice again. You know I deeply regret not saying something to someone when I started to remember again so that maybe no other girls had to go through what I went through. Please Jehovah, I am begging, on my knees asking that you send your holy spirit to help me forgive so that I may help others do the same.
In Your Son's Name, Jesus, I pray this prayer. Amen
As I was praying, this thought came to mind, maybe I will post on it another day: How do I forgive myself? Forgive myself for not forcing my voice to be heard? For not stopping the abuse so that others may not have been abused?
Today I am pledging to use my voice, to use my voice to honor Jehovah, to use my voice to allow myself to heal so that I may someday help others heal from their past. Will you take the pledge with me? Please visit this link if you will.
Today I am also linking-up with some amazing women. Please click this link below to follow their stories on forgiveness, why we need it and their stories of healing found from forgiveness. I pray these posts bless you.
Have a blessed day!